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Now, for a frightening tale:
Yelp, in horror.
I have heard talk of a horrible online monster, known as
"Yelp". Children were told bedtime stories of the Yelp
creature, to keep them in their beds at night. The creature
It would let angry trolls sling their slander at many a
hard working local business owner and the business
owners were not allowed a chance to defend themselves
against the trolls. A "troll" is a slimy beast who surfs the
web for no other reason than to cause trouble to
Trolls cannot be fed. There is no food that appeases
them, because their hearts are empty and nothing fills
them. The more you feed a troll, the more hungry it will
become. The business owners tried to fight back, but the
Yelp would not allow it. These were dark days, in deed.
But then I saw the light of the Yelp Cult and now I feel
free and happy!
It's not the Yelp's fault. The Yelp says they "can't
control the trolls", because the trolls might actually be real
customers and the Yelp has "no way of knowing". Poor,
poor Yelp. No one understands.
So, the Yelp simply assumes the worst about
all local business owners and treats any troll on the web
as though they are actually incapable of lying. Good plan!
Solid stuff! Brilliant! What could go wrong? Go Yelp!
The Yelp never questions whether reviews
are legitimate or not, because it doesn't have to. That's for
weaker beings. The Yelp has many, awesome, super
powers to "filter" anything that might be "questionable".
Quite often (this happens all the time), the reviews are
posted by competitors, they are not customers at all.
Yeah... they are totally fake reviews, slamming local
businesses and damaging their credibility. But the Yelp is
kind and they explained that it's totally for the greater
good, which is apparently something called their "bottom
line". Then the Yelp gently stroked my hair and told me not
to worry my pretty little head about such boring, men's
Some people, those who don't understand the
Yelp's true greatness, they accuse the Yelp of lurid things,
like frequently "filtering" real reviews, by real customers,
because they were too (ahem) positive. But Yelp (which is
a term for what whiny, little bitches do), they have to
assume that these are the fake reviews, probably just
made up by the fat cat, local business owners and all
their friends, or by all those people they paid to post nice
reviews. Everybody knows that small business owners are
rolling in the cash and they are all too willing to try an take
down the honest, god-fearing methods of good folks, folks
like the saints over at Yelp.
Once, when I was weak, I actually tried to delete my
Yelp page and they graciously wouldn't let me do it. The
Yelp effectively said "There is no escape for you, 777. You
will endure the painful, ass-raping, along with the rest of
Durham's fine businesses! Now, get back into your
spandex and leather collar outfit and dance, little monkey,
It was at that moment that I realized that Yelp really does
love me. I had just been driving Yelp crazy, while Yelp had
been trying to watch the game on TV. So, I apologized for
all of my crazy, insubordinate behavior and I asked for
another chance to do better. Then I brought Yelp it's
favorite treat...an infant child, skewered on a stake.Yelp
doesn't mean to hit me, I just make Yelp so crazy. Yelp
loves me, I just don't always appreciate it, like I should.
But I am going to try much harder.
Now, for fear of my existence, I must praise the mighty
Yelp, lest it become displeased with me. Praise the Yelp!
I will testify! Praise Yelp! Praise Yelp! Praise Yelp!
I had a troll bash me three, separate times, but
the Yelp was kind enough to remove not only his 1, bad
post, but also ALL 7 of those pesky positive reviews, made
by all those crazy, real customers of mine, people who had
actually purchased things in my shop and had nice things
to say about my business. Yeah, that's a mad, delusional
crowd, my faithful customer base. Can't trust them, for
I can only guess they finally removed the troll's posts
because he must have said something positive about a
different business. The Yelp will not abide positive things
being said about local businesses. Not while the Yelp is in
control, you whimpering cowards. You will not dare to rise
up to the Yelp. It is simply too strong, in power and in body
Still, the Yelp is kind. The Yelp is good. Obey the Yelp.
Do not stare at the Yelp, lest it destroy you. It hungers.
It's not that I fear the Yelp. Not exactly. I'm not afraid
that it will come for me in the night and cart me off to the
camps. Not as long as I continue to sing its praises. No!
I will sing the praises of the Yelp! The Yelp will spare my
children! I will spawn more children for the Yelp, so it will
be happy with me! Yes, the Yelp is my great master... I will
create an army of children for you, Yelp. They will go forth
and write crappy reviews of places where they've never
actually even tried the food, places where they never
bought anything, or maybe they bought something, broke it
and tried to return it.
They will write horrible reviews of bars, bars that they got
kicked out for being assholes. The Yelp is wisdom and
grace. Shhhhh!!! I think they're listening! Be quiet!